October 2, 2013 «And... A Triple Chin»

Her avatar picture on the dating site was pretty indistinct, but the conversations we had were interesting, and we decided to meet up. When I saw her, I really didn’t like the way she looked: she was around 5 ft. 5”, weighing 70 kg (at a guess) and she had a double, no, a triple chin! But when she came up to me, she immediately kissed me, as though we were old friends. That was sweet. She turned out to be smart, fun and easy-going. 

It was during the White Nights, and we went for a walk along the Neva embankment. We were totally wrapped up in conversation, interrupting each other and laughing a lot. At some point, we started holding hands without noticing, and then we started kissing. When it was almost morning, I invited her back to my place. She said she was tired, but that she would definitely come over another time. We agreed to meet up the next weekend and go to Vyborg to drink Tuborg and eat “Vyburgers” in Mon Repos Park. On that note, we said goodbye. 

But in the morning, I was struck by panicky thoughts. How could I introduce her to my friends? They’d point and laugh at us. Or pity me for lowering my standards so much. And someone would definitely make remarks about her weight. I’m not exactly a skinny guy either, and my parents would definitely be worried that our future children would have diabetes. And most importantly, the first thing I’d see every morning when I woke up would be a flabby body with fatty folds, taking up two thirds of the bed. 

But in fact I really liked her: we had so much in common, and she was an uncommonly decent, nice girl. But what to do? Suppose we got married: I’d cheat on her with skinny girls, and she’d find out about it and cry. Or I’d be a faithful husband, but I wouldn’t truly love her and then I’d be the one crying and miserable. I decided not to call her again. 

A couple of years later I bumped into her in a café by chance. We got chatting, and I admitted that I still fondly remembered that wonderful night we had spent walking around the city and what a great time we’d had…and I said that we would certainly have wound up together were it not for the circumstances.

She laughed unkindly. “No way! Come on! Me? With you?” “Yeah, what?” I asked, dumbfounded. “Uh, look, you’re really not my type!” “What do you mean by that..?” I still didn’t understand. “Well, the way you look: you slouch; your belly hangs out; you have a big, flabby ass, weak arms and no biceps. Remember when we went up the stairs that day? You were out of breath after a minute! I’ve no idea how you manage to have sex!” “But if you disliked me that much, why did you kiss me?” I was shocked. “What’s the big deal? We held hands, we kissed, all that romantic stuff. Nothing special about that… I thought you realised that you had no chance with me. Well, you must have imagined you did! Wow, you certainly have a good imagination..!”